it was real, then it wasn't. all the flirting, all the "signs", all the teasing. they were real – they actually happened. problem is you didn't mean them. i knew it from the beginning. but the stupid hopeless romantic inside of me insisted on giving it a chance. i realized i wanted you in my life, even if not in a romantic way. i just wanted you to be and stay in my life. so i went with the waves. i took off my clothes, i became vulnerable. i took off my clothes and went for the ocean. there's nothing like it, the sea was so beautiful. so farther and farther, i went. i don't know how to swim, but i went. i was blinded by the beauty of the ocean and the hunger to get hold of everything it has to offer – by you. i knew i couldn't swim, i knew you were playing me, i knew.. but i still went for it. 

this is about you.

i've known you for two years now.
you are still that candy that the kid in me wants so badly. you still cause me pain. you are still beautiful. after all this time, you still make my heart beat fast.

i try to forget you, i really do. you don't know how light i feel when i am not thinking of you. but you still find your way back to me. sometimes it takes you weeks, a month, even a quarter of the year — but in the end you keep coming back.
shouldn't i be happy that the person i like keeps coming back? no. because your coming back just means you're gonna leave again.

i am not asking you to stay. i just want you to tell me the score. because somewhere between the jokes we made about us being together, it became real to me.

yes, this is about you. i've known you for two years now. i have been writing about you for a year & these stupid feelings have never left me since.

I tell myself not to be too needy, so I distance myself from you. I fight every urge I get to grab my phone and send you a message, to hit you up on Viber everytime I see you go online.

I think part of me does this in the hopes that maybe once you realize I'm not always gonna be there, you'll miss me. But it turns out, it's me who always ends up missing you more.

you're the reason i stay up late every night. i stay up doing nothing but to think of you. imagining the things i wish we could do together. wondering if you're thinking of me too. then it hits me—if you're thinking of me, you would've texted me in those lonely nights, right? but you didn't. yet i still wait for your text every night.

i wonder when this waiting will end and what will be the reason behind. it could only be of the two: i don't have to wait anymore or i got tired of waiting.

and you came back. somehow. 

i wanted to punch myself because it didn't take me long to text you back, just like what i knew and feared would happen. now it's starting to feel like a cycle: you talk to me, you don't talk to me, i get sad, i start to get over it, then you start talking to me again. how stupid of me to fall for the same thing over and over again. 

i know it's wrong, i know it's doing me no good but how come it's harder to stop doing something knowing it's wrong? maybe i just like the temporary bliss you give me when we talk. maybe i fall for it all over again because deep inside i have the smallest bit of hope that maybe this time you'd actually stay. maybe i'm too drunk in the idea of us that i don't see what's really in front of me—there will never be an us.

i crave a lot of stuff right now..

a huge ass burger, sushi, katsudon, a whole box of pizza, milkshakes and fries, the beach, and then there's you

how depressing can that be? because tomorrow i can wake up, go to the mall, et voila i'll have all these. i can go to the beach probably not anytime soon, but we both know it's just going to be there.

but you? i don't know how to get to you, let alone get you. it's terrible because you  are my craving that i will never satisfy.

it's like each day i'm losing hope. i pity myself for feeling this way but hey at least i still get to feel..

i just want someone to be there. someone to sneak out with at night just to go for a ride or a midnight mcdonald's run. someone to exchange rants and blabs with. someone i can share a "secret place" with. someone i can do crazy things with. because it takes quite a lot of time and effort for me to be that comfortable with a person i like, especially if we didn't start as friends. i tend to be cautious and conscious, because i think i might do something that might turn him off. i want someone to make me not feel this way, someone who makes me feel like it's okay to be makulit and kengkoy without actually saying it. i want someone that's gonna make me let my guards down and think "hey that wasn't bad at all. that actually felt so good. IT WAS WORTH IT." i just want to have someone whom i can pour all these emotions out to, emotions i was afraid of showing to anyone before. i want to experience being head over heels over someone.

well you know what they say, you can't get everything you want. it's sad, really. and rude. why, why can't we get what we want? why can't we stop wanting what we can't have, either?